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[06 Nov 2011|07:52pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Human emotion; It's a funny thing. When I was a student I would sit for hours arguing with myself about why the hell I was wasting my life reading pretentious books written by pretentious authors, all trying to change the world with their incredibly pretentious thinking. All so that I could gain my pretentious degree in a subject that I didn't believe in and would probably never use.

Now I look back at those years and wish I could have looked at it with an older, wiser frame of mind. Those authors were all right. Human emotion is a terribly, terribly destructive thing. We don't deserve it.

We don't deserve any of it.

We spend our lives trying desperately to build bridges, networks of security designed solely to make us feel wanted, needed. We walk back and forth across these bridges and we are careful, perhaps more careful compared to everywhere else that we walk. Careful not to let the rope snap. We keep up appearances, fall into a safe routine, observe and follow the patterns of everybody else. And then one day we slip. Something grabs our attention and we look back for a brief moment. It might be a small encounter with a life that could be better. Could it be better? Is that a different path that I can see? A slightly more stable but definitely more terrifying path?
And so we slip. The routine crashes and the bravado ends as quickly as it was formed. You try to fall back in line but it's too late.

When you read this, which I'm guessing you will at some point, I want you to know that I am fine. This is all of me. This is every bad thing that you could ever know and every bad things that I never wanted you to know. These are the nightmares that haunt me, the worries that torment me and the thoughts that keep me awake at night.
I love you. You make me feel like a person. A real person. You make it possible to do anything and be anybody I want to be. You are everything that scares me and yet everything I always wanted to be. Thank you. Seriously.
I love you.

..sing me to sleep

Writer's Block: No refunds [19 Jul 2011|08:05pm]
What is your biggest regret? Did you learn from it or does it still plague you?

I don't keep regrets, instead I have flaws. Large scars all over my personality which in turn cause me to make epic mistakes which then continue to plague me for years. There are two which haunt me every day.

My first, and most regret-making flaw, is my inability to know when it is or isn't appropriate to open my mouth and let somebody know exactly what I am thinking or feeling. I have a long list of regrets which have been made as a result of my inability to open myself up and be honest.

Not attending prom because I couldn't look in a mirror, not telling that boy how I really feel, not telling my parents that I think they are such a huge disaster that they could rival terrorism.

Secondly, I am perfectly skilled in the art of putting things off, being too scared, and simply running away. It is something that has mostly came to my attention in the past few weeks, becoming victim to this from the other side and seeing what it can do.

Among many other things, I turned down a chance to attend Harvard law for a year, to work in America this summer, to travel Italy by myself, to attend prom, to have my car, to do something amazing with my thesis, to keep my hair instead of cutting it all off.

It is my opinion that regrets are simply wrong actions caused by our inability to sit back and let things happen. To be honest in the way that we feel no matter how scary that might be, and most of all to be happy.
..sing me to sleep

The reply. [11 Jul 2011|07:50pm]
There's a moment in weakness, this moment in absolute, which changes the way we perceive ourselves. A once hardworking man inevitably sees himself as a washed up shadow of his past. These fleeting thoughts, trapped in the ether of the mind are the ones we run from, try to change. But as history shows us, we all end up in that moment in absolute. Wondering where we went wrong.

Where do we go from here? Who is it that we are supposed to be? What is it that we are supposed to do to fill ourselves up with life? To finally collapse into that final state of security we hear so much about?
And who exactly decides what this state is? Is there a timer on it? If we don't find it by a particular deadline, will we simply vanish into the atmosphere? Dissolve into the wallpaper like a watermark; once so poignant and memorable, but slowly switching and turning into a faded reminder of something that you can't quite put your finger on?

There is a moment in weakness indeed, when we find ourselves looking back at what once was or could have been. We put ourselves on shelves and watched with interest as the dust collected on our lives. A blanket of deceit designed to distort and create illusions.. "there was nothing to leave behind". A washed up shadow of the best version of you. A moment in absolute changing your perception and forcing you to finally face the truth.
So, where do we go from here?
..sing me to sleep

Writer's Block: What's been seen can’t be unseen [11 Jul 2011|07:06pm]
..sing me to sleep

Writer's Block: Going the distance [11 Jul 2011|06:53pm]
Would you uproot your life and move to another city for someone that you love?

I did it once. I uprooted my life, moved to a different city and cut myself off from the world I left behind all for the notion of some sort of "epic love". I lost contact with my family and put myself out everyday to stay next to the man I would have done everything for.

It's now 4 years later and i'm trying my hardest to glue together the shattered pieces of the life I originally left behind. I haven't lost all hope, I still believe in love and I still believe that you should do whatever it takes to achieve that state; there really is nothing greater. However, if one of the conditions is that you need to make some sort of sacrifice, please make sure it is a sacrifice that you will always be able to recover from.

Just incase.
..sing me to sleep

[27 Mar 2011|04:24pm]
I don't belong here.
That is my first thought as i sit down to write this. I don't belong in this world. Nobody invited me in. I forced myself upon people i haven't known for 3 years and now i find myself treading water to survive.
My days are simple and i like it that way. Most of the time. I get up before the sun. I wash my hair. I get a bus and go to work. I destroy my fingers with horrendously sharp knives for 8 hours. I occasionally smile or say something stupid. I come home. I eat food. I sleep.

Familiarity breeds contempt.

I don't actually agree with this phrase. I think familiarity instead causes human emotion to become diluted. A mere shadow when compared to the first time you felt it. I think this causes contempt only in those that will not allow themselves to accept this.
..sing me to sleep

[26 Mar 2011|07:18pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Every now and then the pain hits me. It comes in waves. Like a tsunami of emotion, it doesn't creep like you would expect, instead it gushes in. 50 foot walls of torment washing over every decision i have made since i have been home, every bad choice i have made and most importantly, every life i have touched in the last 4 months.

4 months.

I'm not sure how i expected to feel after this amount of time. In all honesty looking back i don't think i was in any position to see or predict the future in any kind of way. But i didn't expect to still be alive, and that is what i must keep telling myself.

I am here. I am alive. I survived.

So i find myself today, facing something that has become increasingly familiar these past few months. Pain. Days such as this have become more and more frequent as i make mistake after mistake; hurt and cause pain to person after person. Myself included, of course. I should be free. I should feel liberated with time and energy. Willing to go anywhere, try anything, be anybody. Some days i am. I really am and i am happy. Yet somehow, right on time, the tsunami inevitably hits and leaves in its' wake a path of devastating destruction. It isn't like anything i can describe as it isn't like anything i have felt before. It leaves me physically gasping for air. Raw emotion spills from every pore and leaves me unable to focus of content myself with anything. My heart twists and pulls as if being used as some sort of stress relieving device. My arms and legs grow weak and i find myself looking for the nearest exit in my own home.

I don't cry. I never cry.

There is nothing i can do or say to make any of this any easier and in some ways this realisation makes it all the more harder to live through. The reality is that i am slowly slipping into a path of self destruction. I have no idea where this path is headed, only that i am about to make a horrendous amount of mistakes before i finally arrive at where ever it is i am supposed to be.

I hope they have blankets, because i am cold.

..sing me to sleep

[14 May 2006|11:14am]
[ mood | calm ]

The last few weeks i've had a few days off school because i've felt myself sinking again, and i know it's no where near as bad as this time last year, and that is good because i can look back and know that i have grown stronger in some ways, just not others. but it still feels horrible. It especially feels horrible because one of the biggest things that i haven't recovered from is my clothes. i still find it extremly difficult to go into shops, to try things on, and to wear things that might show more than i intend. I have the friends, and the boyfriend, the only other thing i need to get over this is money, and as my tutor is the lamest tutor in history, he doesnt seem to understand "sir can you put my attendance as medical" thus me not recieving any ema, owing my mum a load of money, and not even having any to live off, let alone to buy clothes with.

so i'm pretty annoyed about that, but i am glad that i got it out because it's kind of eating me up at the moment. i can get by during the week from a few quid here and there that i can get off my mother, but i also have shampoo to buy, soap, creams and other stuff, and with an empty pocket this gets very hard.

it's also getting hotter, and i do feel better this year that i did last year, i'm determind not to let the weather get me down, at least not yet. it will mainly be better because i will have left school, and won't have to travel very dfar to do anything, i will have moved house by the time it g ets very hot, and that means i will be working also, which means i can get more money for clothes. i just have to survive the rest of school.

i really am glad that i have tyler here to help me through this, sometimes he sees right through me and thinks about himself, but the times he is here are the best times i have had so far, and he really is helping me alot.

last night i had a bad dream about stoo, i dont remember mcuh, but it was a train station and i rang him because he was the person who gives you directions to places, and a girl answered and said that hes hurt and it's all my fault.
i can't help wondering when it will all end.

..sing me to sleep

[25 Apr 2006|04:54pm]
is this what it's going to be like forever? ill get sick and he'll get impatient because, poor him, there's no attention left for him is there? oh deary me whatever will we do now. i guess he could try shouting at me, maybe that will make me feel like i'm in the wrong, and then i can grovel and apoligise and make him feel special again. my mother does it. ive told oyu about it havent i. she does it and she makes me feel awful and i say sorry and then she feels bwetter again. because it's not good enough to do something nice and mean it, you should devote your whole life. and it's not good enopugh to ask for affection, or for somebodies arms to get lost into, because im lucy. and i dont deserve it.

well, i know that. im nobody perfect. infact im pretty awful and i do deserve everything i get. but dear lord, it makes me so sad. ive been curled up all day with a blanket and a wooly hat to put over my eyes.

where are you. i need you more than ever. please come and get me. im so sorry for everything im sorry for hurting you and myself and everybody im just sorry for it all. i need you to come and get me.
..sing me to sleep

[10 Apr 2006|12:55pm]
Hi there.

well i did it didnt i. i broke down and i cried because you didnt go out of your way to make me feel special. sometimes i wish with al my heart that i knew who you were, because once i do then maybe i can break down on your real shoulder and cry tears into your real hair. but youre not are you. i can do that into tylers shoulder if i would like, but he gets me angry ebcause he is just like you, and even though he is perfect in every single way, i will alway sbe sitting here waiting for him. He went to play his gig on saturday and i waited for him to com,e home, i thought maybe it would be cute and he would tell me that nobody there could ever compare to me and we could kiss and i could be free for just five minutes. but i cant can i? because he didnt.
Liz is my counsellor. sometimes i think she gets fustrated at me because she is there for children with family issues, and all i do is cry about how i cant find myself when i look into mirrors. But all the same, she told me that i can go to group therapy for teenagers with no self esteem, and i really think it will be good because i can make some new friends, people who know what it feels like to look into a mirror and not see themselves looking back. I'm very scared though. I mean what if i already know some of them and they laugh at me because im not really like that in real life? i wonder if i told you about my negative bubble, i cant remember. but Liz said i have to write a list about all the things id like to change, or id like to happen if my life wa sperfect so that we can rule out the bits that are never going to happen, and concerntrate on the bits that can be sorted out.
So oi dont really know what else to write. im moving house soon, and i know that i will end up drifting apart from alot of people that i dont really want to drift apart from. my fingers are cold and i cant really type now, im sorry.

bye bye xxx
..sing me to sleep

[03 Mar 2006|10:25pm]
i went to the school councellor on thursday. not sure how i feel about this,it was just like talking to you only to a body and the body had eyes and a nose and a mouth. which i guess is what bodys should have, right?
alot of people have given up on me. i know this is bad, i know this because people really don't just give up on people everyday. well i suppose they do. i mean people give up on their banks everyday. people swap from british gas to powergen, and from powergen back to british gas. we give up on the people we love because we arent sure if we really love them, and they give up on us because they probably aren't sure that being on call 24/7 is what they wanted to sign up for. being who they are around you was never part of their agenda and they don't like it do they. nuh uh, no they don't.
i guess alot of epeople give up on me because being who they are around me isn't what they asked for. i think sometimes people underestimate what they are signing up for when they sign my contract, to be honest, and i think it takes alot of them a bit too long to realise this.

too be honest. i just want to sit underneath some clouds. clouds that go red when the sun is going down, and grass that has little wet pockets balancing on the top of them

i want to cry right now but my eyes won't let me. i want to close my head and forget that i ever existed but my heart won't let me. i wish to god you would come and save me from this nightmare i have trapped myself inside, so tight that the rope is blistering, i want to wish so hard, but you won't let me.
please let me.
..sing me to sleep

[26 Feb 2006|12:03pm]
my computer broke and i had to format. sucks. it wouldnt be so bad if i didnt have 10 gig of music on it.
i wanted to tell you that it's suddenly become really cold outside. it's been feeling like autumn all winter, and now it hits february and we get the full on snow and frost. i had been complaining to tyler the night before about how i cant remember any days its been really icy this year, but now i guess i can. anyway in the morning i could only find one mitten and one glove, so i wore those and when i got to tylers house, he had the other half on. cute? safe.
i had other stuff to tell you, and this is why i promised id update everyday because i forget. ohohoh i did go to see reel big fish and zebrahead on thursday, and got squashed in a skank pit. it was awesome though. i had beer and spit in my hair and that's the best way to be baby. although i did feel like abig geek, trying to guess what guitars they were playing. tylers fault. afterwards we sat with zebrahead by merch for a while, while gemma drank as much JD as she could. naughty. it was fun anyway.

sunday today. im sure i have more to say, only i can't remember. i ate so much chocolate last night, i still feel sick.

stoo's gone forever. and i don't care, i honestly don't. he was horrible to me and ive simply let him believe what he wanted to, it's his own fault.

i will write again later.
..sing me to sleep

[19 Feb 2006|10:16pm]
well i promised i would write and here i am. im cold.

i would like to say thankyou to you forbeing one of those few people int his world who listen to me and hear what im saying all at the same time. or maybe it's that you hear and you listen at the same time. i get mixed up and im not sure which is more important. maybe the listening part, however i like to think it's the hearing part because anybody can listen, but not everybody can hear the words.

he doesn't like me talking about what happened to me. he doesnt like it at all. but he likes to kiss me and he likes to pretend like i like to pretend that for a second im not scared and i can be like the other girls he has dated and i can kiss and i can touch and for a few minutes it is glorious. but he doesn't like me talking about it and he gets mad when i get sad and then i get worse. i get worse because i love him and i only wish that he would be the one person in the whole world who i could talk to it about,. only he isnt. he goes silent and pretends im not there and it isnt happening.

well i have news for you. i wish i wasn't here too.
..sing me to sleep

[19 Feb 2006|02:03pm]
i feel better today. i looked in the mirror and it didnt smash or anything which is always a good thing, and the stepfather is in a good mood aswell which is always a better thing. I just came back from my brothers house, he's settling down now which is nice to see and his fiance is really nice, normal which makes a change. we helped him pick out a colour to paint his wall, as he is colour blind. lolz.
i have fallen back in love with the early november.
i also did a poem with the magnetic poetry kit that tyler got me for valentines day.
i don't really have much to write today except that im not sorry for my outburst yesterday and that although it was probably extreme, i did mean most of it.
theyre shouting. we think my stepdad is going through a midlife crisis because he keeps playing faithless fullblast and he keeps shouting at my mum. i'm not going to get mad because im tired of shouting at her in a "do something the fuck about it then" way.

i think i will write again later when i have more things to say. i'd just like you to know though that i really do feel fine today and although im a bit hungry, my skin is smooth and i dont have a lump in my throat anymore. i had a nice sleep. im really not looking forward to tuesday.

speak later x
..sing me to sleep

[12 Feb 2006|11:13am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Ahhhh. i love sundays. Harry is moaning because his room isn't big enough for him to strum his guitar, and i am drowning him out by shouting WHATEVthx.
I have to make the mixtape for rebecca today if i want it to be there by tuesday, i also have a few things to do for tyler but it seems pretty pointless as i don't have a picture of us together. The whole idea is totally flawed without it, however i could just wait until i do and then put it in. The idea is too cute for me to not do.
My mother upset me last night. I was in a bad mood anyway as i am failing at school and have been told this, or rather shown this. My report is crap and my notes are all over the place. I really want to know what sort of notes an A grade student has in order to get an A. Is uit the notes that are ten times longer, or are they just better at writing essays than i am? either way i am totally thick as i don't have ten page notes OR the ability to write a good essay. Back to the point, it was one of those rare occasions that the step father aqcuires some money and becomes generous, and he had spent all day planning to suprise her by getting all her friends and his family out for their anniversary. All she said was "that is the last place i'd want to go".


i think so.

And i told her this. infact i shouted it to her. If somebody did that to me i wouldnt care where it was because i would love them for the thought and for the fact that they love me and that would be all that matters. My sister told me once that she has no sympathy for my mother because she is just as bad as the step father. I have no sympathy for her because she won't throw him out, but thinking about it, emma is right. she is so ungreatful at anything he DOES do, why would he WANT to do anything? gays.
yeah so this upset me because it was my ear she was chewing off and it makes you feel ten times worse when somebody is telling you what a shit life they lead because of you. she wont just say, "nigel doesnt help" she'll go full guilt trip on my ass and say "NOBODY HELPS ME EVER IN THIS HOUSE NOBODY CARES" well excuse me but if youre fishing for sympathy, saying i don't ever help, especially when i spend hours everyday after school helping, isn't going to work. soz mate.

sooo all in all i have a busy day ahead of me, and tyler is coming at 6 like he always does. but we're not allowed to call it a routine as that leaves room for boredom, so it's just a thing that happens.
I havent had a panic attack properly for a while, although there's been a few times where i've been all "AHHH DONT DO THAT" sort of thing. but it means im getting better and that's good. i AM better, but admitting that would mean one less thing to moan about, right? I mean i still can't look in mirrors and i still make myself feel sick, but no where near as much as i used to and i have come to realise that actually you can live without having to look in reflective surfaces. it's quite easy, you just close your eyes. It's photographs that still get to me, which is why it is hard trying to get one of me and tyler, as i don't want anybody else to take it but i dont want to take it either. I thought about a webcam shot, that might be ok as i'd need it that small anyway, however, well whatever.
i found my little pony hair bobbles
my sore throat has gone
i have wax crayons for mixtapes and valentines thingie
i have fallen in love with brand new all over again. i recovered the songs that i lost and i was listening to them yesterday and they are awesomes. I can't wait until they tour and me and gemma can go and phase out to jesse crying into his micsareforsingin'notswingin'

long ass blog eh?
see you later xx

..sing me to sleep

[26 Jan 2006|10:37am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Nottingham The starting line January 06Collapse )

3 | ..sing me to sleep

[20 Dec 2005|09:31am]
I have to go into town to see somebody about a secret thing. If the secret thing turns out to be not just me worrying then i guess it wont be so secret anymore. well it will because i will have to destroy said secret on sight. had a better sleep last night, maybe because i had a good talk with stoo about operation yoke. code name for the situation we/he seem/s to have got him/ourselves into.
I feel less shaky today. i think maybe me not having a proper panic attack when jamie got his camera out was cause for celebration. well, i would think that wouldn't i. my heart still stopped and i still felt extremly sick, but mainly because he is supposed to be my friend. Gemma said to me today that not everybody thinks the same and i felt incredibly stupid for neglecting the fact that not everybody thinks like i do. my whole lives philosophy is based on the knowledge that we are all different and that nobody will ever think like i do or even know what and how i think. thus me feeling stupid afterwards. just because i tell people that taking photographs makes me heave, doesn't mean that will listen and it certainly doesn't mean that they are going to take it seriously. i sound a bit arrogant maybe but i stick by it.
The father has broken his hand. results from last nights family meeting = rolling around the floor with knives etc. funfun. he is refusing to go to the hospital so i dont care. it's his own fault.
gosh now im getting the third degree from jamie

Happy holidays
..sing me to sleep

[28 Jul 2005|03:05pm]

No more lies. No more secrets.

11 | ..sing me to sleep

[27 Jul 2005|11:41pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

i'm 17. I live in a house with the mother, the younger brother, and the step father. The step father did bad things to me when i was little, and the younger brother is a bit of a brat to be quite, brutally honest. The mother likes to pretend that bad thing, however close to home they are, only happen in soap operas and the kind of books that never have a happy ending, no matter how many times you try to twist the words. The older brother and sister are both too old to live at home, but young enough to steal the food fromt he fridge now and then. The cat, he lives on my bed, or the younger brothers, depending on how quiet it is in either room.
As for me, i am afraid of people. I can't look in mirrors due to years of people telling me how monstrously fat and ugly i am, and that, to be brutally honest again, eats me alive every second of the day. I sleep when im tired, eat when im allowed, walk when i feel like walking, and don't talk much at all. I listen to whiny music about boys with no girlfriends and too much alcohol for their own good. I don't drink for no other reason than i grew up around drunks. Drugs, you ask? The father was a drug-addict.
The boyfriend, he loves me. he says i should look in mirrors because they wouldn't lie about how perfect i am, but i say that i know mirrors don't lie, and no matter how much i look into it it still tells me what i know i am. a monster.
The friends? i don't have any. I drove them all away when the father came to town and turned everything over, once again. Both these things also eat me alive, every single second of the day.

So this is me, i'm not sure who will read this, but this is a fresh start. A story of one girl battling against what is normal and what should be. My tale starts with me arguing with the boyfriend. I know i need a doctor, but what good will a doctor do if i'm still living with the reason i am like this in the first place?

Goodbye for now.

..sing me to sleep

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